Itsy, Bitsy Spider?

So have you ever been privy to an absolutely hysterical story that you thankfully had no part of? And then suddenly found yourself thrust into the middle of the drama?

My wonderful friend Rachael has been regaling me with stories of vicious spider episodes this entire week. To give a bit of background, her husband and family are away this week on vacation, and she is home, having unfortunately to work this week. Sunday afternoon, I hung out with her and a couple of her friends, and over a wonderful supper was treated a very funny story involving spiders.

Now, I'm not a big spider fan, by any stretch of the imagination. I generally loathe the creatures, for the idea of them crawling all over me just makes my skin crawl. It doesn't matter how big or small they are, they're spiders, and therefore I strongly dislike them. Rachael is the same way, though I would say she takes the dislike even further, so far as to literally get into hysterics when they appear, hyperventilate, cry. I will admit to at one point being close to that point in my fear, but I think traveling to Morocco and seeing some of the huge critters over there took away some of that.

Her story involved a huge spider making its appearance in her home Saturday night late, and her attempts at killing it. It was approximately the size of a half-dollar coin, and was very acrobatic in nature (jumping at will in all directions, and zooming all around her family room). She said that she fretted about the house for approximately 10 minutes before desiding to stun said spider with Resolve before mashing its guts into her carpet with a heavy-duty cardboard box. No sooner had she killed Spider #1 and gotten ready for bed when Spider #2 reared its ugly head. She attempted to kill it via the same way, but it was too quick for her and ran under her entertainment center. Cut to Sunday afternoon, prior to us having dinner, when it finally showed itself and was treated to the same fate as Spider #1.

Now, her retelling of the story was absolutely hysterical, for she included all the little motions, quirks and nuances that come with hearing and seeing a storyteller, despite my abhorrence of these creatures. I think it had something to do with the fact that it was indeed a funny story looking back on it, and I had absolutely no involvement with it, whatsoever. That made it safe. Or, so I thought.

I hung out with Rachael again last night for a girl's night, seeing as her family is still away, and she was getting lonely. We were in the middle of the movie when I saw it. Yes, another spider. This one, according to Rachael, was the biggest one she'd seen thus far. And when I say big, I mean big enough to fit the circumference of a coffee mug (body and legs included).

I pointed it out to her calmly (all the while thanking God that my feet were off the floor and resting on the coffee table), and she proceeded to act as I knew she would. I kept my eye on it while she rushed to the laundry room to grab the Resolve. But because of the quick movements, Spider #3 bolted underneath the entertainment center. After moving some of the kid's play things away from the general area and procuring a flashlight, I got down as close as I dared to the entertainment center and shined the light, hoping to draw the spider out so we could kill it. I saw nothing (Rachael, meanwhile is curled up on the sofa). She goes off to see if she can find something heavy which to use to kill the spider once it appears, while I search the areas on either side of the entertainment center. And I find it, hiding within the cables underneath her work desk. I calmly tell her to hand me the Resolve. And then many things happen in very quick succession.

I spray it once, and it runs, heading towards my feet. I continue spraying madly, while Rae starts to frantically shake her hands and wonder what could be heavy enough to squish it. I point out the very heavy, very full CD case sitting next to her, as I continue to spray this thing. I'd never seen a spider running that fast, nor could I believe that the amount of chemicals I was spraying it weren't killing it. She dropped the CD case on it and proceeded to squish it into the carpet, all the while screeching. She pulls it away to see a very unsquished spider still running like mad. I continue to spray, attempting to not let her hysterics get me all worked up, but the thing starts crawling all over the CD case and again towards me. Rachael runs off to try and find something heavier, and I keep spraying. It's still not dying. Rachael isn't getting back to me fast enough, so I resort to grinding the bottom of the spray bottle on its by now very wet body (because it just did not want to die). The first very hard hit didn't kill it either. Nor did the second. The third one finally started to slow it down, and by the fourth or fifth its body was starting to fall apart, and then I kept hitting it, just for good measure. Only after its body was completely mangled and in pieces did I stop. (You can call me extreme if you like, but when you don't like spiders, you make sure they're completely dead. Especially if you try to kill it goodness knows how many times before hand using lots of chemicals, heavy CD cases and lots of hitting and it still refuses to die.)

And then the two of us looked at each other and laughed and laughed. I hadn't laughed that hard in a long time. My friend complimented me on how calmly I handled the entire situation, but that was just on the outside - my insides weren't too happy with me at that moment. The beauty of the whole thing is that we used carpet cleaner on it, so all we had to do in order to get the spider stains out of the carpet was clean it up. That, and the entire house smelled clean like Resolve (to the point of producing a headache).

While she described the whole ordeal to her husband over the phone, I took it upon myself to declare to any other spiders that might have been lurking around the family room, "Okay, you've seen what happens to your friends when they show their ugly faces. That will be your fate, should and when you choose to show yours. It would be in your best interest to immediately vacate these premises, if you value your life. This is your only warning! You show your face, you die! Now, leave!"

I would like to say that thus ends the saga of the spiders, but it doesn't. My friend emailed me this morning to tell me that, after getting back from dropping me off, there in the middle of the floor in the family room, sitting proudly like he was king of the mountain, was Spider #4. And almost right after I'd given him the talking to! The nerve! Well, Rachael decided to 'change things up' a bit by using Oust, figuring it couldn't hurt to try a different chemical. Well, Spider #4 is now currently the nicest-smelling alive spider ever to walk on the planet. It didn't work. He ran off before she could finish him off. The saga continues.

And the moral of the story, children: Keep a bottle of Resolve handy should any spiders decide it might be fun to try and run up your legs. It kills quicker and smells just as fresh as Oust any day.